sooner rather than later

i haven't written in awhile but i think these feelings have been bottled up for too long now to the point where it feels a little unstable.

i'll start with a statement: i try hard.

i try hard for some people. these people might not even deserve it. hell, i don't think they deserve it at all. but i try anyways, because i hate giving up. especially when i think some things can turn into a positive thing.

appreciation is a big thing for me. i want to feel appreciated, i want to feel like people are genuinely thankful for the things i do for them because i feel like i go above and beyond for them. but when someone starts to act a little mean right after even jokingly(which still comes off as hella mean), it still hurts my feelings cus i feel like i didn't do anything worth being thankful or appreciated for. as if i have to double my efforts. and i'm just generalizing...

this in turn makes me re-evaluate my self-worth. i don't feel like i'm worth...anything anymore. it's a very pessimistic thing to say..but i've always been that way. i've been disappointed one too many times to be an optimist. and when i try to be an optimist and i do something i feel is worth doing..life happily smacks me upside the head and tells me i'm not doing anything right..which makes me feel like worthless scum. and not the worthless scum that did something so bad that doesn't deserve a life, but the worthless scum that sits in the darkest corner of the room, hiding under the rock type of scum that..i guess shouldn't deserve much of a life either. wasting space scum.

then this transitions into measuring my happiness/unhappiness. there is no balance. it's either happy or unhappy. and lately, i've been unhappy. sure, i have my "happy" moments where i'm smiling and laughing, but i honestly don't think its genuine happiness. its more like temporary happiness. and it's just a mood to display so people don't get too awkwardly uncomfortable around me. but i fail at that as well, cus i'm not very good at executing such emotions. lol. its not that people cant make me happy..but rather im just a naturally unhappy person. so people get kind of mad when they feel like they cant make me happy..but honestly i dont think anyone can. and people put up with that. its just a series of buts and ifs and whys and hows and whats and a bunch of crap like that it gets so repetitive even i get sick of it.

i would really love to"live my life to the fullest" and enjoy myself and love myself and love what life has to offer and love people and love what was given to me and everything. but its so hard when everything that has happened to me has affected my life in such negative ways that even i myself cant seem to change anything to a positive thing. dont get me wrong, i have full control over my life and what i do with my life. but i can only take so much of it..its my biggest stress. i dont consider myself depressed or you know..suicidal. i consider myself to have very strong emotions and feelings that hit me hard at once and settle after its done. then im fine. hahah. im so lame.

its weird, people must think im a spoiled brat. i get tons of money from my parents, i have nice clothes, nice house, decently nice car, some nice things, yada bla bla. but what mostly to probably everybody wouldn't know about me is that i would give up EVERYTHING i have and own just to feel a glimpse of genuine happiness, appreciation, and maybe that feeling of what its like to feel worth being alive for.

something so beauitiful.

"At jacks, we saw a homeless guy just sleeping on the sidewalk, and you know, hobos they are just minding their own business, it was like 3 in the morning, he was just chillin. But some gay ass bros came by and started messin with him, it was hella fuked up. They put their ass on his face, and hella cussin at him, and throwing pennies at his face, like honestly wtf why are you going to mess around with a homeless guy. But the homesless guy just walked away and he came over to where we were chillin, and we just started talking. His name is Josh, 27 years old and has just been wandering the streets for 3 years. He said he used to live in texas in a big house and drove a nice car, but the property taxes were too expensive, and he just couldnt afford it, so he sold his house bought his parents a little house and cars and just said fuk it. He has no plans, just living with his dog and wandering around. But my regards goes out to him and i hope he finds meaning in his life.

theres something so beautiful to the random intertwines of the paths of lives of different people. Something so pure and natural, so real."

-sam lau.


theres something i find beautiful in taking the time to learn someones name who probably thought no one even noticed or cared about him.

people can be such jackasses.

lost.

"we were lost in the silver sea
i was the ship who was too proud to ever sink"

yesterday i came across this little red book that was titled "all about us." i flipped through the pages once, twice, until i went through the whole book and read everything that was written. at the end of the book, sweet little words were written "what happened to you?" i flipped to the next page. "i miss the old you."

what did happen to the old me? there was an old me? i never realized it until i stumbled upon those two sentences. i feel like a different person. i never thought once that anything changed but someone noticed that i did. creativity is what i lost. and that's the part that i miss the most. searching music, going beyond the depths of a song to figure out the meaning behind the artists words. writing about life other than the constant reminder of a boy. right now, as i type up my boring essay- there's no pizazz that would usually accompany my essays to entertain my instructors. it's just..bland plain old talk. and it makes me flustered that i can't seem to find that part of myself again. i feel lost in the sea, wading and wading until someone or something finally reaches out to me and pulls me back to shore- reviving every sense of myself, to enlighten my life once again. to make me feel worth being alive.

i think i'm just way too super busy with work and school. i just don't have time for myself anymore to do the things i love. i wish there was more time in a day.

ha.

jerks will be jerks. no doubt about that. i just find it so hilarious when i read something so ridiculously stupid i could probably kill myself over it.




i originally wrote a long blog ranting about something, but i decided to delete it cus ya'll might think i'm a little cray-seeeeeeee.


i'd just like for you to think about what the hell you're blogging about because most of it is complete bullshit. your so called 'good friend' treated me like garbage too. so fuck you, you contradictory whoring bitch.

mm.

okay, so let's get this straight. i normally don't hate people. yeah, hates a strong word- i know. but i've seriously never felt so much hate for two people in my whole entire life. i think about strangling them sometimes. i'm not gonna mention any names, but if by some weird fate they come across this- i hate you. the thought of you guys fluster me and it shouldn't, but all these pent up feelings of bitterness and anger just won't escape me. i've let it affect my life so much that now it's become a part of me. i'm just waiting for it to finally pass where it doesn't bother me anymore. but hate is what i'm feeling right now. and i hate you two.

time flies.

time. i can't get enough of you. you were my guide..the light at the end of the tunnel. y'know? it's been almost a year now..one heck of a long year. but it's done with. and i'm glad. why am i talking with such short sentences? i d k. it's hot. and boring. and i curled my hair- rockstar hair.

i had an amazing week and weekend.
parents left to hawaii on tuesday, oh boy i had so much fun. being lazy all day in my house with my fat dummy [: 'twas nice. wish my parents left more often. and seeing all my friends again! just amazing.

time will take its toll on us.

i hate arguing.

why do people argue with me? i hate it.
i mean, i've gotten enough of that with my last boyfriend, argued for a whole damn year.
i don't need to fight with anyone.

don't fight with me please.