something so beauitiful.

"At jacks, we saw a homeless guy just sleeping on the sidewalk, and you know, hobos they are just minding their own business, it was like 3 in the morning, he was just chillin. But some gay ass bros came by and started messin with him, it was hella fuked up. They put their ass on his face, and hella cussin at him, and throwing pennies at his face, like honestly wtf why are you going to mess around with a homeless guy. But the homesless guy just walked away and he came over to where we were chillin, and we just started talking. His name is Josh, 27 years old and has just been wandering the streets for 3 years. He said he used to live in texas in a big house and drove a nice car, but the property taxes were too expensive, and he just couldnt afford it, so he sold his house bought his parents a little house and cars and just said fuk it. He has no plans, just living with his dog and wandering around. But my regards goes out to him and i hope he finds meaning in his life.

theres something so beautiful to the random intertwines of the paths of lives of different people. Something so pure and natural, so real."

-sam lau.


theres something i find beautiful in taking the time to learn someones name who probably thought no one even noticed or cared about him.

people can be such jackasses.

lost.

"we were lost in the silver sea
i was the ship who was too proud to ever sink"

yesterday i came across this little red book that was titled "all about us." i flipped through the pages once, twice, until i went through the whole book and read everything that was written. at the end of the book, sweet little words were written "what happened to you?" i flipped to the next page. "i miss the old you."

what did happen to the old me? there was an old me? i never realized it until i stumbled upon those two sentences. i feel like a different person. i never thought once that anything changed but someone noticed that i did. creativity is what i lost. and that's the part that i miss the most. searching music, going beyond the depths of a song to figure out the meaning behind the artists words. writing about life other than the constant reminder of a boy. right now, as i type up my boring essay- there's no pizazz that would usually accompany my essays to entertain my instructors. it's just..bland plain old talk. and it makes me flustered that i can't seem to find that part of myself again. i feel lost in the sea, wading and wading until someone or something finally reaches out to me and pulls me back to shore- reviving every sense of myself, to enlighten my life once again. to make me feel worth being alive.

i think i'm just way too super busy with work and school. i just don't have time for myself anymore to do the things i love. i wish there was more time in a day.

ha.

jerks will be jerks. no doubt about that. i just find it so hilarious when i read something so ridiculously stupid i could probably kill myself over it.




i originally wrote a long blog ranting about something, but i decided to delete it cus ya'll might think i'm a little cray-seeeeeeee.


i'd just like for you to think about what the hell you're blogging about because most of it is complete bullshit. your so called 'good friend' treated me like garbage too. so fuck you, you contradictory whoring bitch.

mm.

okay, so let's get this straight. i normally don't hate people. yeah, hates a strong word- i know. but i've seriously never felt so much hate for two people in my whole entire life. i think about strangling them sometimes. i'm not gonna mention any names, but if by some weird fate they come across this- i hate you. the thought of you guys fluster me and it shouldn't, but all these pent up feelings of bitterness and anger just won't escape me. i've let it affect my life so much that now it's become a part of me. i'm just waiting for it to finally pass where it doesn't bother me anymore. but hate is what i'm feeling right now. and i hate you two.

time flies.

time. i can't get enough of you. you were my guide..the light at the end of the tunnel. y'know? it's been almost a year now..one heck of a long year. but it's done with. and i'm glad. why am i talking with such short sentences? i d k. it's hot. and boring. and i curled my hair- rockstar hair.

i had an amazing week and weekend.
parents left to hawaii on tuesday, oh boy i had so much fun. being lazy all day in my house with my fat dummy [: 'twas nice. wish my parents left more often. and seeing all my friends again! just amazing.

time will take its toll on us.

i hate arguing.

why do people argue with me? i hate it.
i mean, i've gotten enough of that with my last boyfriend, argued for a whole damn year.
i don't need to fight with anyone.

don't fight with me please.

untitled.

"some things aren't worth the fight."

i had to learn that the hard way.
actually, now that i think about it i haven't learned anything from the very first time. i'm always making an effort, and i never get anything out of it. i don't know why i try so hard for some people. i can honestly say i care way too much, and i shouldn't especially when some people don't deserve it. i've already cut one person out of my life and i'll keep on going for the people who don't value me and the friendship i can offer them. so fuck them, i'm happier without all this negativity.

i'm still finding out who my real friends are.
and i'm glad for the friends who don't expect anything out of me
and love me just the way i am.

stressed.

"what's holding you back, dear?"
"knowing i'm not a part of someones life anymore"

well, i'm pathetic.
its been sooo long, and i still get waves of nostalgia and unwanted feelings like this on a 2weekly basis. it doesn't last very long, but today seems different. i need answers.

i deserve to be happy, right? that's all i want. i have spurs of happiness sometimes, and its nice. but not today. seeing my former lovers new life, the part we've dreamt of living together..and i'm not in it. no where in it. and it hurts. a lot. maybe i can't be happy cus i know i'm never gonna be a part of his life anymore, and the ironic thing is that i was the one that didn't want to get back together with him. it was all me. and why am i sitting here typing this up all depressed? i don't know. i'm pathetic.

seeing him live his new life..doing the things he's always talked about doing..all i wanted was to see him progress. he was ambitious and i loved that. maybe this new life was the result of our breaking up. yeah, maybe thats it. my life? i did everything i said i would never do. drinking, partying. to him, the new me, is the real/old me. but he's wrong. i just don't have anything better to do.

i'm sad.

a late night memory.

music, it's such a wonderful thing.


breathtaking. the words, the melodies, the inspiration.
i can't even begin to explain how much i'm in love with music. ok ok, all you musicheads out there probably love it just as much as the next, but god.

music captivates the heart and the soul. that's what i love most about music.
you got your whatever-music pop rocks shit that's all digital,
and you got your amazing quality of real guitars, real equipment, real vocals. real inspiration.


but the music that seem to tug at my heart..
would be the ones that don't talk about love or any variation of love.
like...cheating for instance.
for me, its the one that carry meaningful history behind it.
the ones where you read and become completely mesmerized by the words.
the ones where they take the lives of history and create absolute bliss.
those are the writers that are endowed with a vivid imagination, and bestow their amazing talent to the world, inspiring others as they go along.
that's the kind of music i like.
so find your music and let yourself drown in the perfect mess of instruments and vocals.
let it become your inspiration.
then,
take your talent and inspire others.

love, life, happiness.

i guess it's safe to say i'm happy where i am and where i stand. sure, theres room for improvement- but its nice just the way it is right now.

i want to close the door to my past, and i think its time. it's hard when you get a really random, misplaced message from someone, might i add, that was the reason behind the break up with my ex boyfriend and i. i could tell she was trying hard for him, but it just wasn't enough for me. until someone encounters the same feelings i felt during the last 2 years, they will truly see why i cannot go back to something like that.


closing the door requires you to fully open it back up.
confront your feelings and let it guide you.

tripped on reality.

i've always used that as a display name/username/etc name i can think of.

but i've never truly had a good explanation for why i would pick such a thought provoking username such as "tripped on reality". the past 18 years, i've lived in my own little bubble. but yet, i was aware of my surroundings. aware of what was going on around me, aware of what people are capable of doing, aware of the consequences. but i've taken a role in playing naivety, and why? i thought i could roll through life and pretend like nothing is wrong. yet i was so immersed in this lifestyle of pretending i became engulfed in it. yet i knew consequences were on its way. i gained feelings of lost trust, doubtful of everyone, only to recieve what? a broken family..broken friendships..


speaking up was one thing i learned this year. and i'm still learning how to fully control that. the past few months, years even, i've taken the crap i've gotten from people becus i honestly thought things would get better. call me a pushover. so i stayed inside my bubble..took the crap..and waited. i've held everything in for so long, pretending like everything will be better in time. becus thats what everyone tells you. wrong.
things get better when you take the liberty for yourself and stand up for something you believe in. no more pretending, no more letting things blow over. because i knew i was never going to be happy that way. i thought about everyone else's feelings but never thought about my own. i guess this is the part where i tripped on my own reality.